Psalm Oines

In loving memory of Rachelle George.

1. SNOW BOARDING
2. My friends
3. Family, of course
4. Sun shining through my windows, and kissing my face
5. Thai food
6. Indian food
7. Distant friends that keep in touch
8. Photographs
9. Rest
10. Foreign films
(11. Oh and juicy, juicy mangoes (the fruit of course!))

Posted February 19th, 2008

I used to be very insecure. I always wondered what people thought of me, and worried that they wouldn’t like me. Or would reject me if I didn’t fit up to their standards, or if I couldn’t give them what they wanted to make them happy. Basically, I’ve been a people pleaser for years in some way or another.
At age 17 I went on my DTS, where I realized how God felt about me and that He created me to think and feel and be who I was, because He likes me and wanted me this way. Somehow, it was so liberating to me to know that the creator of the universe cared so deeply and personally for me, that I found such value in just being with Him. And being loved by Him. I started to like parts of who I was. To be free to be honest with who I was, and not feel such a need to change to please other people. I love being who I am.
When I had my first child, my identity went for a bit of a roll, but ultimately inside, I was still me, just a busier, more nurturing, mother-like me. So my role expanded from wife to mom, but my value did not.
This last year several things happened that shook my life tremendously. So much so, that my view of myself went askew, and I forgot so much of why I have the freedom to be who I really am, whether working through pain, or just being fun and goofy! My feelings of worth and purpose just died. I felt lower than any place I have ever been before. I had no desire to do anything, and felt guilty if anything good happened. I kept thinking I’d wake up and all this pain would be gone. However, morning would come and go, and come again, and I had no urge to move, no sense of joy, or feeling of significance. Nothing seemed fun, and I felt the burden of every negative thing I encountered. The odd thing is, I could tell you the truth, “My yoke is easy and my burden is light.” -Jesus. Yet this simple, beautiful truth was not evident in my day to day life. Not a day would pass without tears. Then weeks and months. I still can’t completely explain this season, but I can say I hate being robbed of my joy and having my life threatened. And by life, I don’t mean this flesh and blood. I mean life. The river that flows through us. Christ in me. Loving me, forgiving me, healing me, knowing and accepting me. It is a beautiful/hard truth to see myself as I truly am, flawed, broken, needy, bitter, sinful, and to realize I can doing nothing but receive. I can’t earn, I can’t beat away the pain or the faults. I cannot redeem myself. God alone, the one who breathes life, can do this. How humbled I am to daily come before Him, with my wicked struggles, and my wrong impressions of Him. Of His love and truth, and to have Him change my heart and reveal His true self to me.
Today I woke up with joy. There are truths that hold no feeling at times, until the aftermath of experiencing them: “In the world there will be many trials, but fear not, for I have overcome them all.” “The trials of the righteous are many, but the Lord delivers them out of them all.” I by no means have earned this “righteous” title, but it has been placed on me by one who payed all my debts, and then some.
I can say, “never give up”! I can say that cliched saying that if not for the pain, I would not know the trueness of joy and the value of it. The greatness of freedom and security in someone who can take care of me. There are so many things in life that we cannot personally overcome by watching others, but require personal revelation of Christ.
I feel like I’ve been living in a cave or cell of some sort, and I have just found the light leading out of the tunnel. It is bright and a bit overwhelming, but I can’t wait to feel the warmth and see clearly once again. One might say that I have been blinded by the enemy, or lost in my flesh, or fallen in the sorrows of my sin and this world. To miss God for who He is, is my saddest regret. Yet I do not feel crushed. I am becoming more and more aware of how God is redeeming me. A word I like to use, sanctifying. Changing me from glory to glory. A transformation.
The last few months of my life feel like a blur. Like a foreign invasion into my heart. To live without failure, is to live a lie. To lift up my failures is to find true perfection, real freedom. Who knows what tomorrow holds, but today I am being redeemed, and saved from my wickedness. Defined in the words of my Heavenly Father, revealed through His eyes. “I am pressed, yet not overcome!”
So for those in the midst of the pain, in the trials. Do not give up. The light will come, and though you may feel pressed to your limits. Remember His love, His truth about “never giving you more than you can handle or carry.” You are loved.
I would not have been able to tell you years before that I was depressed. But I know that in truth lies freedom. Even when the truth does not equate with my ideals. But in truth, there is always a way to freedom, because the truth reveals the goodness of God. These are my personal experiences. This is a piece of my story.

Watch this film! It is great! There are several foreign films I really like: Amelie, Seducing Dr. Lewis (title sounds bad, but the movie is great!), Monsoon Wedding, and now to add to my list, The Chorus. Cleve and I both really enjoyed this film.

This afternoon Cleve looked up on-line how to give a layered hair cut to a curly mop head like mine. I was a little nervous, to say the least, but I figured I could go to a salon and fix it up in the morning if need be…well, here are the results. Maybe Cleve missed his calling!

The snow keeps falling here in Sitka. I think we’re up for a record in my time of living here. Which has been almost 5 years! Crazy to think that we’ve been in Alaska that long. Anyhow, here is another fun pic from our time with my folks in S. Dakota. Hey, did anyone catch that game between the Giants and the Patriots?